Tag Archives: Satire

Overdone idioms

There’s a little Polish saying; “Nie mój cyrk, nie moje malpy” which translates as “Not my Circus, not my Monkeys”. Which in context can be an appropriate and very witty thing to say. Where an employee makes ‘the dog ate my homework’ type excuse, or someone’s being a drama (Or in the case of Buddhists a dharma) queen over a trivial issue unrelated to the task in hand. It’s a way of telling them to get on with it and stop wasting your time.

However; like all sayings there comes a time when it can get a little wearing.
Not my Circus Not my Monkeys

When is a phobia not a phobia?

In certain circles, it’s become a cheap and easy toss-off (Usually made by complete tossers) to describe voices raised in opposition to an event, type of politics or whatever as ‘phobic’. We here at the Bill Sticker Sarcastic Society for the protection of Words must once more mobilise our keyboards and raise our screenstrained eyes to stare down the dyslexic forces of darkness. Even now our Volunteer legion of word jugglers, stunt editors and grammarian marksmen (and women) are dusting off their arsenal of semi automatic .303 Oxford English dictionaries and .50 calibre Merriam Webster spellcheckers. Trying to ignore the naked porn queens cavorting through the reference section (and you thought libraries were boring, huh?) girding their weary loins to do battle once more for today’s much victimised collection of syllables:

Phobia
Line breaks: pho¦bia
Pronunciation: /ˈfəʊbɪə
/
Definition of phobia in English:
noun
An extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something. Eg: she suffered from a phobia about birds.  Medical definition here.

It is important to differentiate between fear and phobia. Fear is an anxiety which does not have to be irrational. Indeed, it is the act of an extremely rational mind to feel anxious in the face of a very real threat. One cannot buck the Autonomic response. Say for example you are in the vicinity of a large and hungry wild predator capable of killing you, or of a known to be violent person (or associated with their doctrine) carrying a firearm and whose stated intent is the extinction of your culture and everything you have come to hold dear including you. To suffer extreme anxiety in these cases falls firmly under justifiable fear. In neither case is the fear irrational. To call such a fear a phobia is fundamentally (I know) dishonest and possibly even maliciously mendacious.

Furthermore, to call a mild aversion to a ‘phobia’ is likewise inaccurate, and a cheap tool in the arsenal of louche propagandisers.  Like using the excuse “Sorry I’m allergic” when you really mean “I’m sorry but I don’t particularly like Tofu Sausages.” or “I’m squeamish but don’t want to sound like the self obsessed fuckwit I am.”  Real allergies can range from that which raises a light rash to a truly life threatening condition, throwing the body into something as dire as Anaphylactic shock.  Anything less is simply a food intolerance (and possibly not even that) which may only result in mild indigestion and excessive farting.  Conflating the two is simply being a complete diet obsessive tit or a drama queen who needs to get out more. So it is with Phobias. Blurring the lines between a rational fear and irrational phobia is simply a cheap “I don’t want to hear that – La-la-la. You can’t say what I don’t like or I’ll scream and scream until I’m sick!” shut up line and therefore can be discounted.

Thank you.

Why I vote for……..

The silliest candidate available.

Apropos of Sweet Fanny Adams; when I resided in the UK, it was the Monster Raving Looney Party. Even my late mother used to vote for them. Mainly, she said, because the mainstream parties had grown so unrepresentative of the everyday folk, that having a complete self avowed barmcake schlepping down the corridors of power in clown shoes would be a definite improvement. Yes, you’d still get roads and bridges to nowhere, but mandatory caravans as second homes for MP’s, population limitation to 63 million and an end to the war on terror, along with repatriation of anyone who emigrated to the UK prior to 55AD, which is a bit of tough luck for all those Saxons, Vikings, Normans, Huguenots and other johnny-come-latelies thinking that it was safe to take a breather and revert to their native accent. The OMRLP are also firmly opposed to Greyhound and Whippet racing to prevent the country going to the dogs. Which can only be deemed a sensible policy. Dog track goers might disagree.

Why I used to vote the Monster Looney ticket was mainly because the UK’s three mainstream parties were, and are, far sillier than any nonsense the ‘fringe’ parties can come up with. I mean, never mind the economy, the Tories main achievements in this term will be Gay Marriage and Plain Packaging for cigarettes. Which, lets face it, are hardly mission critical issues. Although if UKIP get a larger share of the vote on May 7th, I may have to modify this statement. UKIP I feel, would reduce the overall silliness quotient of the UK’s Parliament.
Although……..

Meanwhile, back towards the topic; in IT, when we want to say a software application application is complete and utter pants, we call it “Counter intuitive”. So bearing in mind their total ineffectiveness, the LibLabCon of mainstream UK parties can therefore be designated “Counter intuitive”. So can those institutions terminally infected by the PC virus like the BBC. So that no matter how many times a right of centre French politician says “No, we’re not connected”, the bimbo interrogator insists “Yes, but you love that Nigel Farage bloke and want to have his babies don’t you?” Without letting said politician finish, or in at least two places, even start their answer. No wonder the man in the street is increasingly losing faith in mainstream politics. It’s got so bad even the Guardian has noticed although the ‘globalisation’ attribution is missing the goal by a country mile.

Here in Canada the Harper Government has, for all its many faults, remained a steady hand on the economic tiller. Economically speaking, I wouldn’t trust any left of centre party like the NDP or Liberals because they simply don’t have a clue and would have strode in lockstep down the road to economic disaster with our cousins south of the 49th parallel. Just so no-one would call them ‘racist’ for not seeing the current President in his true colours. For the record; my sole criteria is; never mind his skin colour, is the guy any good at his job? Which in Barack Obama’s case, the answer has to come back as a ringing and emphatic ‘No’. Neither was Bush Jnr, but that’s by the by.

So, Harper and Co will probably get my first Federal Canadian vote this 2015 because overall they are far less silly than the alternatives.

Some things should not pass from memory…..

Just a quickie for all you youngun’s out in jolly old Interwebland. A small antidote to the doom and gloom about insane mass murdering death cults, inept Presidents, the dunderheadedness of bureaucrats, radical vegetarians, idiots who still believe against all evidence to the contrary that CO2 driven man made global warming is real, professional protesters and the general lack of worthwhile cerebral activity in the online world……

A pre Python Michael Palin introduces the legendary, the phenomenal, the so incredibly awesome Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band from Do not adjust your set (A 1960’s children’s TV show? Link to playlist here Oy gevalt already).

How can you not love a show that invented the ‘electric spoon’ concept? Which was so good someone had to invent one.

Well, they were more innocent times.

Religions of hatred

Well isn’t that nice? Rabid followers of a nameless middle eastern religion took pot shots at a Danish cafe where people were having a peaceful discussion about religion, bigotry and hatred. Elsewhere, a number of captured Kurdish fighters are about to have their colds cured permanently by being burned to death in cages. Which I feel is a bit of an extreme treatment for a relatively mild viral infection. As was another attempt to cure asthma amongst Libyan Coptic Christians by removing their heads. So much for fringe medicine, eh? Pass the pixie dust. As for being ‘on the doorstep’, the bastards are already in the parlour with their boots up on the coffee table demanding free lunches.

Temples are burned and wars fought, all over religion. Which, as God commented last time he dropped by for a post fishing foray coffee, is a bloody silly reason to kill people. Don’t even get him started on Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland. Or Methodists and Anglicans. Honestly, last time some of his language curdled the cream in my fridge and scorched the wallpaper. Although he was very good about it, and sent JC down to the store to buy some fresh. A couple of cherubim with paintbrushes dealt with the property damage. Very gracious deity, God. Although he’s not very keen on many of those who claim to be his worshipers. He’s got some very forthright opinions about them. Specifically that he doesn’t like being used as an excuse for fantasists and fruitloops to go around killing people with impunity. The killing he can’t do much about because of the free will thingy, but he does draw the line at having the blame lumped on him. I have it on good authority that he’s negotiating more room for an extension to Hell. Specifically the lake of fire. Satan of course complains endlessly about these policy changes. His demons are on near permanent double time, it takes too much out of his operating budget, wear and tear on pitchforks, fire insurance etc. It’s bad enough having to take all the Lawyers and Politicians. They do so lower the tone of the infernal netherworld. I’m told the overcrowding has got so bad, like the punchline of one very old joke (One of God’s favourites by the way), is that you can’t get near the fire for priests.

One of the many, many ironies of the current situation is that should the rabid control freak psycho’s using religion as a cover for all their most frothingly violent fantasies get their way, as this writer posits, theirs would be the first religion in the firing line. The rule of ‘be careful what you wish for’ seems to apply here, in spades, with the law of unexpected consequences grinning from the shadows. Universal blasphemy laws make the mistake of equating God with religion. As God says, “They’re nothing to do with me.”

It’s also worth noting that you don’t & can’t insult God when you take the piss out of any particular religions inconsistencies. Why? Religions are not God. He thought he’d made that point with Moses and the whole Golden Calf debacle. Interesting religious point: A church or temple may be classed as a house of God, but don’t expect him to spend much time there, if any. They’re big, draughty, and a bugger to keep warm. Similarly for so-called ‘Holy’ relics. Ask yourself this, if God is omniscient and omnipresent, (he is, but only when he feels like it, some days, not so much); why can a particular bit of rock, a book written by sincere but slightly unhinged old men, or set of old bones that may or may not have belonged to a noted human waybackinnadawnatime be seen as a short cut to getting a priority collect call through on the celestial communications net? That’s pure cargo cult with its roots firmly planted in pantheism and idolatry. Want to get a prayer through? Take your time, be honest, don’t bother God with trivia, your petty jealousies and short time scales. He’s busy enough as it is. Yes, you decided to get yourself into the mess, now stop asking God to bail you out all the time. A heartfelt thank you occasionally would be nice, too. He’s a busy deity and the Universe wasn’t built in a day. BTW; the whole seven days creation myth is an allegorical joke the priests haven’t got yet. And probably never will.

So are the rabid psycho’s doing God’s work? No. If they were they’d be in the galaxy crafting business with the Gas Giants sub contract. In reality they’re just a bunch of small minded human crazies with less tolerance than a bad tempered rattlesnake on acid with severe personal space issues. As an illustration of this assertion they don’t even let their own head hackers bunk off for a quiet between stressful beheadings ciggie break. I dunno, some people, eh? No live and let live. Just die, die, and die again.

So, all that being said, what are we in the West to do? Personally I’d go for the quarantine option, which is to build a nice high wall all around their self imposed territory (Which Saudi Arabia has already started), let them have all their own brutal little regime away from the rest of the world, cut off all trade and other links, then shoot anyone trying to get out. Which might not be the answer, walls can be breached, undermined and flown over. Even the so-called ‘Iron Curtain’ was regularly breached by people wanting to get through, and Israeli attempts to blockade Gaza have regularly been tunneled under. Besides, the enemy is not only inside the gates, they’re being invited to set up shop just to show how ‘tolerant’ we are. Last time it took over fifteen hundred years to dig ourselves out of the resulting feudal mess.

Nope, I think what will happen is that this particular virulent head hacking faction will hamstring itself by killing off the brains they need to flourish because the moderately smart techie and mercantile types will always ask “What are we doing this for?” before the blinkered ones come back with their own brand of terminally cutting remarks. Which ultimately lowers the quality of their gene pool. History shows that regimes encouraging openness and enterprise last a hell of a lot longer than ones simply attempting to subjugate and oppress. Force alone is never the answer against information. The Japanese, Italians and Germans learned that hard lesson back in the 1940’s and they were technophiles and innovators rather than techno abusers. Since that time, Fascism, once thought to be the answer to all the socio-economic ‘ills’ of Western civilisation, has become a rightly reviled and widely banned philosophy. How long before the crazies drag Islam down to the same fate?

I was going to ask God, but he’s decided it’s too nice a day to talk about religion, and the fish are biting.

There’s no such thing as social justice

Welcome to the Bill Sticker Institute for Axiom Testing and Infinitive splitting. Our team of highly trained Stunt Grammarians and specialist word jugglers (We recruit only those who can handle a minimum of ten syllables) have been working day and night for at least half an hour testing some much cherished political sound bites to total aphorism destruct. We’ve saddled up our Thesauri, loaded our dictionaries, and straightened our phrasebook armoured trousers meaningfully before heading ‘em up and moving out to rope and brand a few of those consarned political soundbite critters for the last big drive to the railhead, pardner. Yee-haw. We think. Possibly.

Here’s how it works; A statement is selected and its underlying concepts thrown into our patented axiom tester for a full rinse and spin cycle before careful drying. Once cleaned, the statement is then carefully scrutinised for any bits of truth it might contain. There are no half way houses here. A statement is either proven or not proven.

Example:
Bill Sticker is a complete bastard.

Axiom test result: Proven. Bill’s parents were not married when he was conceived and born, therefore he was legally born out of wedlock, specifically a bastard. As far as ‘complete’ is concerned, several of our in house team thought that this was rather gilding the lily, because one is either a bastard or one is not. (Bill has also developed an evil streak that could be used to pave the entire two lane length of Highway One from mile Zero in Victoria BC to Halifax, Nova Scotia, including hard shoulders, but that’s by the by). Therefore Bill can be called a ‘bastard’ to his face with impunity, as the statement is proven. Cutting remarks in response are extra and will be charged accordingly.

Here are three left wing sound bites and concepts which were given exactly the same treatment.

Statement 1:
Governments can create a fairer society.

Axiom test result: Not Proven. Repeated attempts by various governments around the globe to produce legislation to promote ‘fairness’ have so far failed because one persons ‘fairness’ is demonstrably another’s injustice. Giving privileges to one section of the population invariably requires removal of rights from another according to the well known rules of societal causality.

Statement 2:
‘Social Justice’ is fairness for all

Axiom test result: Not Proven. The phrase ‘Social Justice’ was found by our team of extreme Axiom testers to be little more than a hollow political sound bite, a speechwriters catch-all with little or no real meaning. To say it is ‘fair for all’ is also palpably not true following the well known principle that taking another’s possessions without recompense is theft. Our chief Grammarian was also heard to remark that the phrase is “Utter bollocks” and has had to contribute a good deal of his disposable weekly income to our Axiom Testing Stations swear box.

Statement 3:
Redistribution of Wealth is fair.

Axiom test result: Not Proven. Actually it’s complete and utter nonsense. Asset stripping the active middle to support the growing inactive lower simply creates more poor people. In addition, a consulting team of highly skilled Stealth Economists who are currently Chair of the Society for Artful Accountancy have discovered that the money rarely gets where it’s meant to go, and often ends in the pockets of those least entitled to it. Usually logged as expenses.

Thank you for visiting.

Orwells World

Friends, wossnames, countrymen. Lend me your thingummyjobbies. I come, not to praise liberty, but to bury it. That’s right. Freedom is dead, or very much on life support. Shakespeare himself might have done a quick rewrite to outline the situation (Julius Caesar Act 3 Scene 1, Mark Anthony’s speech)

O, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of truth,
That I am meek and gentle with these butchers!
Thou art the ruins of the noblest concept
That ever livèd in the tide of times.
Woe to the hand that drained this costly blood!
Over thy wounds now do I prophesy—
Which, like dumb mouths, do ope their ruby lips
To beg the voice and utterance of Twitter—
A curse hath lit upon the voice of man.
Domestic fury and fierce civil strife
Doth cumber all the online world.
Blood and destruction is so in use,
And dreadful objects so familiar,
That Mumsnet shall but smile when they behold
Their infants smothered by the nanny state,
All pity choked with accusation of sex crime,
Yet Freedom’s spirit, ranging for revenge,
With Whatsap by his side come hot from hell,
Shall in these confines with a monarch’s voice
Cry “Havoc!” and let slip the words of war,
That these foul deeds shall smell above the earth
With carrion men, groaning for burial.

I think Bill the Quill would have approved. Or what’s that whirring, buzzing sound from the chancel of Holy Trinity Church, Stratford upon Avon?

Seriously. I woke up thinking this morning that the country of my birth has turned into a warped version of Orwell’s nightmare 1984. This isn’t me being paranoid, it’s so in your face it’s not true. Twitter storms have become the “Two minute Hate”. People are regularly arrested for “Hate speech”. Voicing legitimate concerns has become “Thought crime”. Constant warfare. Near ubiquitous CCTV. Surveillance of e-mail and web activity. Webcams that can be remotely switched on. I don’t need to provide links. The evidence is in plain sight everywhere. If you don’t see, then you ain’t looking.

The UK, now rebranding as Orwell’s World theme park. Try the Grauniad rollercoaster, where tribes of shrieking lefties throw shit and outrage at everyone. It’s a blast. Thank you for not smoking or drinking. Or thinking. Anywhere.

Depravity

Hello. Once more, greetings from the Bill Sticker Sarcastic Society for the Protection of Words. It has come to the attention of our Senior Librarian that another word is in serious trouble. This dire circumstance forces us to mobilise our highly trained team of Stunt Linguists, Grammarians and Etymologists to rise and take up dictionaries in defence of a word so twisted by misuse it could work as a haunted trees stunt double in an enchanted forest.

Today’s word is:

Depravity
Line breaks: de|prav|ity
Pronunciation: /dɪˈpravɪti
Source Oxford English
/
Definition of depravity in English:
noun (plural depravities)
[mass noun]
Moral corruption; wickedness: a tale of depravity hard to credit [count noun]: I wondered what depravities had occurred in that place

Mid 17th century: alteration (influenced by deprave) of obsolete pravity, from Latin pravitas, from pravus ‘crooked, perverse’.

What truly counts as depraved? Sex? Hmm. Some of the more extreme aspects of BDSM, perhaps. Kidnapping and raping children, most definitely. However, top of the list has to go to killing people for simply saying they don’t think much of your religion, or giving support to said killers by word or deed. Specifically when applied to defenders and promoters of a certain 7th Century death cult. Which, by the way, you can stick right up your arse. No matter how many defenceless satirists the death cult is willing to kill. Only those truly steeped in the deepest slime of depravity could think otherwise.

By the way: Here’s the French ‘Wanted’ poster.
Suspects in Charlie Hebdo massacre
Now reported dead.

Vive Charlie Hebdo. Vive la France. Nothing depraved about them (mostly).