The Case Against Facebook

Gweetingth onth again from the ladth in the lab here at the Bill Thticker Inthtitute of Thtating the bleeding Obviouth. Note that young Igor, who is in charge of blog potht titleth ith very modern in hith outlook and declineth to uth our traditional lithp. We’re very worried about him, ath some of uth think hith thtitching ith jutht a little too neat.

There are lotth of thtorieth in the mainthtream preth about thome poor thoul who hath had to thoot a family pet becauth it wath dangerouth to hith children or wath in too much pain, or thomeone who voithed an opinion that thomeone elth did not agree with on Fathebook. People who make thilly pronouncementth on twitter and end up being villified and thubject to one of thothe moronic Change.org campaignth.

We have wordth for people who bully otherth uthing change.org. Motht of thethe wordth are thort, pithy and Anglo-thaxon, otherth are Tranthylvanian in origin and do not tranthlate well from the original Magdyar dialect thyrillic. People who cry out for more government intervention on change.org are, ath far ath we can tell, not the tharpetht toolth in the vărtha. Tho emothional, tho completely free of logic. Not that thothe occathioning thuch outrageth are much better. If they had any thenth, they’d keep thuch thingth to themthelveth inthtead of pothting them for every hipthter and thimilar dunderhead to get all aereated about. Itth one thing to potht private methageth to family and fiendth, quite another to let every eathily outraged thlaphead into oneth private affairth. Ethpethially ath motht them to want to be offended. How bored they mutht be with their liveth.

Out in the real world thethe people are eathy to thpot. Totally fixated on their thmartphoneth (‘Thmart’ – hah!), even when crothing a buthy road. Hardly theeming aware of where they are going or what they are doing outthide of their tiny little screen-world. Thome even drive like that. Thome of uth think the Polithe thould have a thoot on thight polithy towardth texting driverth.

We Igorth do not uthe Fathebook, Twitter, Inthtagram or other thuch abominationth becauthe much of what we do ithn’t exactly thocial. Popping out to fetch a freth brain from a handy dithpenthary, for example, ithn’t exactly the thort of thing you potht in a public forum, ith it? Ethpethially after hourth. Not that we are prethently involved in any thuch projecth. It’th jutht a hypothetical thenario. Bethideth, there’th no call for that thort of research any more. Tho no, we will not be putting “Giving monthter life now – Amathing!” or tharing ‘thelfieth’ of ourthelveth and the marthter with frethly reanimated fleth, no matter how neat the thtitching. If we went in for that thort of thing, which we of courthe don’t. Well, apart from the odd nethethary tranthplant or three, but thatth another thtory.

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