As I was preparing the seasonal repast (It was excellent by the way – best Pork I’ve ever cooked – wonderful crackling), I came over all reflective and philosophical. You know the kind of thing, those useful titbits of folk wisdom you sometimes wish your Dad or Mum had taken the time to sit you down and tell you about. Not the two-fingers-down-the-throat ‘truth posters’ you find in gift shops that are all about such insincere wetness as ‘peace’, ‘joy’ or even more nauseatingly ’empowerment’, but something a bit earthier and pejorative. Something you can paste up on your wall without your mates thinking you’ve gone all born again and religious, yet retaining a positive spin. One you won’t feel ashamed showing to your tougher friends. Who knows? They might want one too. Copyright free for non-profit and personal use. Use it as a get well soon card. Knock yourself out.
For those who have difficulties reading the odd bits of upside down and back to front text, I’ve transcribed the key phrases below with a few hopefully helpful notes. Although not necessarily in the order you read them.
- This is your fucking Life (Well this is a no-brainer, surely?)
- You will fuck up (Also true, but I’m always amazed at how many people this catches by surprise. Even the greatest of us has feet of clay. Or just aching feet. Or aching whatever.)
- Learn to say “Fuck you!” (But always with a smile, because some people really, really, really deserve it. You might also want to learn how to run away really quickly.)
- Learn to fucking apologise. (If you’re wrong, put your hands up to an honest mistake – you’ll be amazed how much respect this can earn you.)
- There is no fuck up so big it can’t be fixed (With enough time and effort, yes – sometimes not worth it.)
- You are not fucking God (Also self evident. Religion has its limitations and should only ever be considered as a rough guideline.)
- Learn to smile at your fuck ups (A much better way than endlessly beating yourself up about whatever you previously fucked up)
- It’s only fucking pain (Even the most intense pain is temporary, it always goes away eventually)
- Suicide is fucking pointless (No matter how big the hurt, the sun will rise, whether or not you make the poor quality decision not to see it. So long as you’re breathing, you have the opportunity to right the wrong done to you. If not, your friends and family might mourn for a week or three, but the unrequited ‘love of your life’ will eventually move on to someone else or some other lucky sod will reap the rewards of all your hard work. Sorry, but that’s the truth of it. The only exception to this rule is the alternative of a slow, painful death.)
- Get the fuck over it (Too much pride is an Achilles heel – learn to forgive – but not absolutely everything.)
- Sometimes you have to walk the fuck away (Truly, you really have got to know when to move on from a bad situation)
- Don’t fuck over your family (Like it or not, these are the most important people in your life. Without family, your life is based on shifting sands. Although if they fuck you over first – all bets are off.)
- Fucking is not love (It’s just sex.)
- You can love without fucking (Oddly true. The physical act does not automatically require emotion and vice versa.)
- This is not a fucking dress rehearsal (Get on with it or your dreams will never come true. All good things do not come to them that wait.)
Oh yes, and prepare, because adequate planning and preparation prevent piss poor performance and also the avoidance of complete clusterfucks. Even if you never have to use the skill or resource. Happy New Year.