Fifty shades of…. bacon

Meandering idly through the comment streams of various articles in the dear old Barclay Brothers Beano (I was bored and in need of a laugh), I came upon an article about how children see online porn. From the perspective of an upper middle class columnist, who discusses all manner of things with her children. Which didn’t shock me. Nor did the fact that 13 year olds had viewed online hardcore porn or gone “Euuww!” at some of it’s contorted gruntulations. The online stuff is no worse than what we read in the cloakrooms at school at that age, and kids are setting out on that particular voyage of discovery around then anyway, so no biggie.

What tweaked a nerve, the real perversion of the article struck in the opening paragraphs, where the author confessed to having put salad cream on their bacon sandwiches, which I thought sounded a little degenerate. In ‘big floury baps’ no less, which is in itself rather suggestive. Being a dull old traditionalist I use HP Sauce myself on flax bread with my morning bacon, but am quite tolerant of those who will add tomato ketchup, or even Tabasco to their morning pick me up protein blast. Even on their morning bacon and egg ‘banjo’ or in a burrito. But Salad Cream? Well, that’s definitely a new one on me, and I thought I was pretty damn sophisticated and unshockable.

Oh what a curdled mess we cast when first we practice breaking fast. I’m told that perverted sexual practices, like incest, run in families, so I’m not utterly stunned by these revelations of food porn by a journalistic cove. They will have picked up this preference at an early age. Possibly from a progressive parent, or not-so-distant-as-they-should-be Uncle or Aunt. Perhaps even at boarding school. Which is where a lot of upper middle class minds are first warped into thinking they know what’s best for the rest of us.

Deviant baconSo this leads us to the really big questions. Back or streaky? Smoked or not? Dry cure or not? Greasy or ‘murdered’? Fried or grilled (oh all right, ‘broiled’ then). Each have their own advantages and pleasures. What type of bacon works best with this depraved concoction? Are you a plain white person as far as bread goes, or gluten free, wholegrain, wholewheat, bun, bap, hoagie, tortilla, rye or even croissant? What does this say about you as a person? Bluff traditionalist with a side smorgasbord of sophistication, or an anything goes tie me down to the kitchen table for a good spanking matron pervert who has coleslaw in their bacon butty? Horrified shudder. Enquiring minds would like to know. Especially as we all like a good chuckle.

As for the Bacon Lettuce and Tomato deviancy, sorry, but that’s beyond the pale. BLT’s are a mere marketing ploy to give customers the minimum of bacon for the maximum price. The lettuce and tomato have no real nutritive value, belonging to the fictional ‘five a day’ fascism and can therefore be considered no more than inert filler. My take is this; if Inuit can go for months and years without lettuce or tomato, then so can I.

Update: I have sourced (or should that be ‘sauced’) the necessary ingredients. The great experiment happens tomorrow (Monday) around 8am PST (Noonish UK time)

Update on the Update: Overall, I think I’ll stick to HP sauce on my morning bacon sandwich, because while I found the Bacon with salad cream butty okay, in that I wouldn’t turn my nose up at it, I prefer the ‘traditional’ condiment. Bit of an anticlimax. Sorry pals, but there you go.

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3 thoughts on “Fifty shades of…. bacon”

  1. Doorsteps of white bread, plenty of butter, soggy-fried smoked bacon, HP Sauce. (Advt.) And a pint of strong, sweet tea. Can’t beat it!
    Btw, this blog’s becoming a gourmet’s paradise.

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  2. Wholemeal or rye bread; smoked bacon grilled with a dollop of HP & a sprinkle of pepper. Occasionally an egg is added to make a proper banjo. A large mug of strong tea & I’m ready for the day ahead.

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