July 21st. Exactly five months to go before everything goes kablooie! August, September, October, November and most of December. At least according to those who believe that the end of the Mayan calendar on 21st December this year means the planet goes pear shaped and only those who prepare and believe will be ‘saved’. Is everyone ready? Are some of you getting ready to leave ahead of the rush? Do any of you have any spare valuables hanging around and are concerned that they will just get wasted when humanity is wiped off the face of the planet by the coming end of all things?
Well worry no more because the Bill Sticker fund for the pointless acquisition of mere expensive fripperies is here to help. Simply donate your hideous wealth by sending me legal title to your worldly goods, and I promise, hand on heart, that I will not waste them foolishly. Simply leave the correctly filled out change of title with a reputable firm of lawyers, and sufficient funds to cover upkeep for 12 calendar months, and you can face your maker with a clean conscience and spiritual bill of health.
The Bill Sticker fund is undertaking this selfless and magnanimous gesture because we understand the awful burden being filthy rich can bring, and therefore, for the next five months only will provide this Karma cleaning service for a modest fee to all those wishing to offload their spiritually staining lucre. In the case of the world ending, those who avail themselves of this service will see the Staff of the Bill Sticker fund go to Hell (At the end of their lives through natural causes) on behalf of their previously rich clients for at least half of eternity. In the case of rapture or rescue by impossibly wise aliens from this blighted world, we at the Bill Sticker fund will hold your goods in escrow for six months before disposal, thus saving our clients from needless post paradise admittance guilt and anxiety while they can feel free to sneer down at us from their spiritually liberated and elevated position.
In the case of the world not ending, we will only retain half of your donation as a secondary millennial angst relief measure. Thus relieving you from having the sense of narrowly missed Nirvana by a quirk of fickle fate. Please give freely, because when the end of the world comes, remember, you won’t be ably to take it with you. Trying to do so will only make your deity of choice extremely cross with the attendant risk of perpetual damnation, or the wise aliens shake sagacious enlightened heads (or comparable non human sensory clusters) at the idiot trying to shoehorn his mansion through the matter transference portal with only five minutes before total global annihilation.
This has been a public service announcement. Thankyou.
Disclaimer; Unfortunately we are not a caretaking, janitorial or property management organisation, and cannot be held responsible for the condition of your donated property should it be damaged by natural or unnatural causes. A minimum payment of one standard ingot of gold or platinum bullion (400 Troy ounces, 12.4kg or 27.4lb avoirdupois) is required one month in advance.