Tag Archives: Satire

Redistribution of wealth

I see the Pope of the Catholic Church has been making speeches about the root causes of poverty. Seriously? This from one of the richest institutions on the planet? One whose influence has been chief in keeping people poor? The only redistribution that actually goes on is directly to a specific religion. Like the redistribution of foreign aid mostly ends up lining political pockets, with only a fraction getting to its intended destination?

It’s what almost all religions are best at; keeping people on their knees in one way or another. Yet one of the most guilty parties; look up poverty rates in very religious countries for proof and see above map for poverty levels worldwide, has the unmitigated gall to hold out their begging bowl, blaming others for the state of the very people they help keep down? The people they often use as cannon fodder to further their sects own expansionist ambitions? Well let’s have three cheers for organised religion; hip-hip-hypocrasy! Yay.

As God often says when he wanders over for morning coffee, or when we go fishing with JC; “You know Bill, if I’d have thought about it enough, I wouldn’t have invented belief.” He doesn’t like organised religion either. He also says he never goes to their churches and temples because they’re too draughty and full of people demanding something for nothing. Rather like the Pope and all similar functionaries.

Unprecedented

I like words. Especially the polysyllabic. However, today’s post is a protest against the abuse of an innocent word by politicians and various speech writing hacks. That word is;

Unprecedented
un·prec·e·dent·ed adjective
[uhn-pres-i-den-tid]
Definition;
without previous instance; never before known or experienced; unexampled or unparalleled: an unprecedented event.
Related forms;
un·prec·e·dent·ed·ly, adverb
un·prec·e·dent·ed·ness, noun

Synonyms
unique, extraordinary, exceptional, novel.

Here at the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Words, we wish to protest the persistent misuse of this word, and make clear the cruel abuse it is suffering.

We collect over misused nouns, adjectives and even adverbs, to treat them with the dignity they deserve, putting them out to graze in quiet libraries full of peacefully grazing Thesauri, preserving them in protected dictionaries, and letting them have a pleasant retirement for all the hurt they have suffered.

Ladies and Gentlemen; this is a tough era for words, especially now. Many words are brought to us hopelessly crying, scarred with repeated mis-spellings, arthritic syllables, misappropriation, sometimes even additional suffixes (the bastards!) and simply broken through over use. We see it as our bounden duty to take these wrecked remnants of language and rehabilitate them to their original meanings so that they can once more stand proudly within the lexicons of English, to once more serve honourably and with pride. Restored to their proper place and treated with the loving kindness they deserve.

Chiefly we wish to protest the current over use of the adjective ‘Unprecedented’ by unscrupulous politicians and ‘Climate Scientists’, various hacks and speech writers, whose only aim is to place blame where it does not belong, and thus extend unwarranted and undeserved control over an unwitting populace. We have a simple message to such people. The word abuse stops here. Even now we are gathering highly skilled teams of Librarian activists to stand vigil over those treasures of language as still exist, ready to define, defend and even take staunch preventative action against the abusers of language. Needless to say, we have a policy of non-admission to Socialists of all types, as it is they and their collectivist allies who habitually plunder dictionaries in search of words to misuse.

Please; we do not ask for money, simply vigilance against the widespread degradation of innocent collections of letters. Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

Silly me

I wondered why it was quiet out there. I’d forgotten to switch the comments feature back on. Whoops. Silly old me.

Now back on. Same old ruthless rules apply. Keep it on topic, and any comment with more than 2 links goes straight to spam. Unamusing comments with lots of caps get flushed. Unload your soul, if you really, really must. Do not expect to be taken too seriously.Alternative Armed response
Oh yes, comments automatically close on any post after two weeks, because I really can’t be arsed to engage on topics long gone. I would say many appologies for the inconwenince, but frankly, you couldn’t pay me to care.

Smoking in cars, a modest proposal

Was meandering around the Tellytubbygraph website, and came across this little gem by Boris Johnson, a UK Tory politician who says that he is a Libertarian (Cough, cough, cough, snigger). In it, he argues, that smoking should not be allowed in any vehicle because of the damage second hand smoke is alleged to do to the delicate bodies of children. Whether the vehicle will be used for their carriage or not. Having read what he had to say, I was moved to key in the following comment:

Boris. Why not a law to keep children out of cars instead? Let the smokers have some sanctuary for pity’s sake, the poor dears being addicts, and addiction, as we are told, is a sickness not a crime. Besides, keeping children out of motor vehicles will protect them from poisonous exhaust fumes leaking in through every vent, seal, and window. Even the most eco-friendly vehicle is not air tight.

The regular reader of this blog will note tongue being inserted firmly into cheek at this juncture. Although I am moved to propose that any vehicle marketed as ‘eco-friendly’ should be made completely air tight to protect the occupants from the errant exhaust fumes of all the other vehicles on the road. This is only right and fair. Why should the eco-pious be forced to breathe the polluted soup of the worlds highways and byways? They should have their own space and atmosphere. And windows that won’t open. Sealed vents that will not share the pollution from other road users like in inferior vehicles, such as those only smokers will be allowed to drive. For the hand wavers own protection of course, which will spare them the merest whiff of the dreaded tobacco smoke, no matter its source.

But wait; what of the benefits to road safety? No children allowed in motor vehicles would mean a considerable improvement in quality of the parents lives as follows;

Such legislation would have the benefit of lowering the blood pressure of parents, sparing them from the back seat quarrels, unfortunate little gastric accidents, demands to be driven to unhealthy fast food outlets, and querulous whining and driver distracting litanies of “Are we there yet?” Thus improving road safety at a stroke and saving the NHS billions.

Boris, me old china, this is genius! By banning children from all vehicles, several modern major social scourges are solved at the stroke of a pen. By forcing children out of cars, they must take more exercise and therefore become less obese. Lowering parents blood pressure means fewer circulatory disorders in later life. Fewer distracted parents on the roads mean a reduced accident rate and a further lowering of the UK’s national health care budget and insurance premiums. Children would be insulated from the evils, whatever they might be, of second hand smoke and grow up healthier. Furthermore, the tobacco smoke would be contained inside a controlled environment, to wit the smokers car or house, thus not affecting anyone else. Fantastic! Win-win. Time for tea and a knighthood methinks.

Fortunately, or rather un, depending on your viewpoint; the only other problem such legislation would leave behind would be what to do with the bodies of all the self righteous planet savers, suffocated in their air tight mobile eco-prisons. Still, I’m sure it’s a sacrifice, considering how doomed we are through over population as we’re continually informed by eco-worriers, a salutary price a lot of the remaining population wouldn’t mind them making. Just think of the emissions they’d be saving.

I don’t normally go in for gloating, but…..

In the UK, über green trougher and griller of climate sceptics MP Tim Yeo has just got it in the neck from his constituency association, prompting the following little bowdlerisation of Alice Coopers ‘Elected’.

Once a prime cut of meat, Cameron’s choice,
Yeo’s been deselected,
Top golfing dandy with a ‘green’ Rolls Royce,
He’s just been deselected,
Party wants a saviour, don’t need a flake,
He’s just been deselected,
No-one’s gonna rock to the rules that he makes,
He’s just been deselected, corrected, deselected.

Grilling climate sceptics who won’t think like they’re told,
He’s just been deselected,
Said it was getting warmer, ignored all the cold,
Yeo’s been deselected, rejected, deselected,
Hallelujah, he’s been deselected,
By the majority of his local association!

Yeo’s lost this one, because outside there’s storms,
He’s just been deselected,
Tear down all those windmills, everyone stay warm,
He’s just been deselected, deselected,
He’s just been deselected, disrespected, call collected,
He’s just been deselected.

“And if he is deselected
He’ll have only his green directorships for company
Toppling windmills, soaked solar panels
He knows we have floods,
They got flooding right there in Somerset
They have flooding on the North, South, East and West,
Yorkshire, London, Gloucestershire, Wiltshire,
Devon and Cornwall,
Everybody has floods,
And personally, he don’t care.”

Well, it put a smile on my face.