Tag Archives: Apocalypse

Noah

Don’t normally do movie reviews. On this occasion I’d like to offer my thoughts on the current pseudo biblical epic ‘Noah‘ starring Russell Crowe, Anthony Hopkins and Ray Winstone.

Here goes. Technically the CGI is a tour de force. Good, strong, character performances from the excellent Mr Crowe and Mr Hopkins. Ray Winstone oozed psychotic menace like only he can. Sadly the script is a turkey, a preachy piece of proselytising, apocalyptic eco-garbage that sent me to sleep half way through. That’s a first. I have never gone to sleep in a cinema before. Ever. I’ve only ever walked out on one movie in 1972, a cranky old Frankie Howerd vehicle called ‘The House in Haunted Park‘, and if it hadn’t been for my wife’s insistence on staying to the end credits of ‘Noah’, I’d have been out of there in the first half hour. Before we went in I was eager to watch, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about and I’d even dosed up on coffee an hour beforehand. To no avail. I was out for the count around the half way marker. Mid afternoon. Go figure.

In a word, predictable

Spring is here, with all its gentle showers, methinks it’s time to hack the Prince to death. Or release another hyped up piece of scaremongering like the IPCC AR5. A report that at least one leading academic has sought to distance himself from. A report that had to be ‘sexed up’ before release. Really. If disaster is all that bleeding obvious, then why does the ‘evidence’ (If a heavily politically doctored report can be called evidence) need ‘sexing up’, hmm?

Frankly me dears, this is getting tedious in the extreme. The lie that is catastrophic man made climate change is being trotted out again like some arthritis tortured show pony well overdue the kindness of a final bullet. No one with a functioning brain cell really believes it any more. The climate models these assertions are based upon might just as well have been produced by Airfix for any semblance of reality they hold and any forecasts based on these models have less than one percent accuracy when compared with a weather rock.

The politicians and true believers would have us all think that if only we were to give up our modern way of life and live ‘closer to nature’ the birds would sing, the flowers would bloom, and no-one would ever get a nasty, icky disease ever again. Good luck with that one. I’ve done the whole closer to nature thing, and can assure my one remaining reader that it’s either too hot or cold, insects bite, birdshit drops on you, and small cuddly looking things take a nibble at your extremities if you sit or lie still for too long. There is no romance in ant or mosquito bites let me tell you, and apart from bacteria all over everything, there’s fungal spores, viruses and all sorts of unpleasantness lurking out there. Been there, done that. Give me a nice warm bed in a well insulated and heated house free of extraneous wildlife any day.

Then the true believers say there’s just too many people. Okay, if that’s the case, there’s a nice high cliff over there, off you go. Leave your parachute with me, I’ll take care of it for you. Don’t forget to get sterilised, just in case you get the urge to pass on your genes before you jump. This is another lie. There’s a demographic depopulation coming anyway across the West as those born during the nineteen forties and early fifties ‘baby boom’ line up to shuffle off this mortal coil. You know, those people who paid taxes all their lives and now find themselves freezing because ‘green taxes’ are putting the heating bills beyond their taxation raided pensions reach. Similarly China, with its one child policy is beginning to hit the buffers as there’s a burgeoning gender imbalance. All because of a pseudo-environmentalist lie.

Stuff it. What really pisses me off is that my children and their children after them will suffer. The world will be a poorer place. On the other hand there is hope because if the world gets poorer, there won’t be enough money around to pay all the people pushing the lie of man made global catastrophe and the whole bloated edifice will collapse. I derive some ironic amusement from this thought as it’s all so, well, predictable.

Zombie apocalypse

There’s been a meme out there on the jolly old Interweb for some time about the coming Zombie apocalypse. Very soon. In fact that’s probably them at the front door right now, coming to eat what little brains you have. Might be the Avon lady, Jehovah’s witnesses, or the Postman with a special delivery. On the other hand it could be (Dee-DAH-DAAAH!) Zombies. OMG! Keep a double barrelled shotgun loaded with cut shells inside the front door, just on the off chance someone pops by and wants to eat your brains. I actually once met someone who did just this – a hasty retreat was rapidly beaten.
Who ordered the double meat special?
This view of life is reflected in popular movies like World War Z, 28 Days, Sean of the Dead, Warm Bodies etc. As well as a lot of extremely bad teen slasher movies, in which category I include all Zombie, Vampire, Werewolf and other living dead movies, apart from Sean of the Dead, whose saving grace is that it is very funny indeed.

The truth of the matter is that real live Zombies are all around us. The walking dead. The genuine article. Alive, yet not so. People who move, eat, shit and sleep, but whose last attempt at cogent thought fell flat on its face last week before they got out of bed. Some are only part time Zombies, others have it as a full time vocation. When you get used to looking, you’ll be able to spot them just by their shambling, purposeless gait, the mildly fearful vacant look behind the eyes, and dare one say it, their sheer lack of animus. The barely alive, unthinking mass, who exist not by acts of volition but mere instinct. The mob. Yup. Them. The dozy items who don’t look where they are going or think about what they’re doing. Vancouver Island seems to have a plague of them, and they all drive. Their lack of positional awareness is scarier still. You know what? The really scary thing is Zombies are everywhere and look, and often talk, like normal people. Amazing how many Eurozone Politicians suffer from this oddly vacant look. Those that haven’t a near permanent expression of single minded avariciousness, that is.

They’re people whose critical thinking is so non-existent that they believe everything they’re force fed by the lamestream media. They never question their belief systems, just to check. They never suffer from existential doubt or WTF! moments. The deeper questions of life never bother them, such as “Who am I?”, “What is my purpose in life?”, or “Why do I have to take pills that make my snot luminous green?”, or why when it’s supposed to be a record hot year, they’re still having to beat the ice off their undies on the clothes line. All the time repeating the mantra “I hate climate change deniers, they’re dooming the world forever.” While wondering what is causing all the strange bangs and other cold related phenomena. Not to mention that the Southern Hemisphere Winters have been suffering an increased incidence of increased cold events over the past few years.

There is another type of Zombie of course, but a self aware type who don’t go around moaning “Brains, brains.”, they’re the Bill Sticker variant, who range about the earth, moaning; “Brains! Where the fuck is anyone else with any Brains?” Forever seeking sanity in a world where there is apparently little to be found, but that’s my problem.

I am Evil

I am a very bad person and will probably boil in Hell for all eternity if there is such a place. Why? Probably because I’m an irreverent soul, and although I’ve rarely done anything naughty in my life; I’ve tried to be honest, never gone out looking to do people who don’t deserve it any harm. Mine will always be the necessary helping hand for those that will take it, not the boot in the face.

My major weak spot, and the one that will consign me to the lower reaches of the Pit is my disdain of God botherers, in all their guises. Even if Cranmer is still on my dwindling blogroll. I respect the man. He at least has integrity. Even if one disagrees with him.

This mornings episode came when there was a respectful soft knocking from the direction of the front door. At first I thought it was the wind. The dog was quiet, and he normally goes completely AWOL when there’s someone at the door. He even barks hyperactive welcome at me. So I ignored the noise and carried on working. There was the sound again. Dog was silent. This is a dog you understand, who has lungs of iron and no noise limitation. He’s a lovely animal, but his boundless enthusiasm can get a little hard to bear sometimes.

Got up and wandered into the kitchen to reload on coffee, only to see a sombre suited couple walking steadily away down the drive. Both looked around sixtyish, and the man was carrying a briefcase. Now I know we have no debt issues, all our bills get paid on time. We have no school age children, so they weren’t likely to be Social Workers, and if they were the Police, well, I haven’t done anything wrong. Likewise, we’re good with immigration, and our local politico’s know we haven’t got the vote here yet. Further observation demonstrated they were visiting each household in turn. Which leaves, by deductive reasoning, the only other possible conclusion – Religious nutters.

I sighed heavily. I’d missed my morning amusement. If I am sinful, I think my major sin is that I delight in mockery of proselytising pillocks who seem to think I have nothing better to do than listen to their irrational witterings when I should be working. Their activities have always struck me as eccentric because, if you think about it, God does not really need religions. Religions on the other hand, desperately need God, even if none of them are sure where to look. Even if they knew what they were looking for. Or wouldn’t burn / impale / blow up what they were looking for when they found it.

Bearing the aforementioned in mind; it is my contention that one does not need religion to be moral or of good character, as recent revelations about the shirtlifting habits of one specific religious priesthood have proven. Religions are all politico-tribal entities who reflect the moral dimension of whatever community gives the idle sods a living. Support a religion whose priests have been known to molest or even kidnap children? Advocate the murder those who think differently? Quod erat demonstrandum. This is not restricted to one sect of God botherers, many indulge in these moral lapses. No idea why, I suppose the religious lifestyle just seems attractive to those whose secret tastes run that way. Perhaps they simply get off on the power trip of having a Deity covering their eternal arses. Quite frankly, if I was God, I think I’d task my PR people with a few well aimed thunderbolts at these sects, but that’s just me.

Any old road up. As I watched the pair walk down the road to knock on our neighbours door, I reflected sadly that I’d missed the opportunity to try out a rather amusing wheeze. For me, not for them. Did I say I was evil? Good. Just checking.

Conversations with these people tend to follow a script as predictable and tedious as a cold call telemarketer. The conversation normally runs something like this;
God Botherer; “Good morning sir / madam Would you like to talk about God”
Householder; “No.”
GB (Trying to engage); “Nice house sir.”
HH (Suspiciously); “Are you with the Mafia?”
GB (Puzzled); “Er, no.”
HH (Annoyed); “Eff off, timewaster.” (FX: Door slam)

I have several versions of this conversation, which may leave the Householder feeling that the unwilling trudge to see who is invading their personal time has not proven a wasted journey.
Version 1:
God Botherer; “Good morning sir / madam Would you like to talk about God?”
Householder (Pretending to be shocked); “Oh no. What’s he been up to now? You aren’t Social Workers / Police are you? Has he been messing about with the firmament again? I’ve told him / her not to, but he / she’s got such a lively mind.”
GB; “Er…”(FX: Door close)

Version 2:
God Botherer; “Good morning sir / madam Would you like to talk about God?”
Householder; “He’s out at the moment, fishing. Do you want to leave a message?”
GB; “Would you like to read about him, sir / madam?”
HH; “No, no, he / she will probably tell me all about it when he/ she gets home. If you lot were in properly in touch like you claim I’m sure he / she’d have let you know.”
GB; “Err….” (FX: Door close)

Version 3:
God Botherer; “Good morning sir / madam Would you like to talk about God”
Householder; “Why?”
GB; “Because..(Insert blather about end of world, repenting of sinners and all the other BS they like to chuck around)”
HH; “Nice day for it. So you reckon it’s all going to end at that time?”
GB (Enthused); “Yes sir.”
HH; “Well we had the (Insert competing sect name here) around earlier, and they say you’ve got the dates wrong, again.” The pause indicated by the comma is crucial, don’t forget it. “They told me they thought you lot are all going to Hell if you don’t convert, which I personally thought was a bit steep. They were quite vehement about it. I think I heard them say something about burning Heretics next week. Anyway. Must dash. Can’t take up any more of your valuable time. Byee.” (FX: Door close and lock)

There are many variants on this theme, and I’m sure my reader can come up with many more. Yes, yes, we’ll probably all burn at the stake (Make mine medium done with a little charring – Dijon mustard) for our disbelief in the ludicrous, but what one has to remember is that once ion their power, these unhinged zealots will forever keep tightening their ‘rules’ until they start burning innocents anyway. Believe in what we tell you to or be punished. It’s how they retain their grip on the gullible and easily frightened.

Apocalypse Meh

Well, according to my little ‘pooters clock, it’s about 6:40pm PST.  Over in Europe, the last day for poor, abused Earth will dawn in about four or five hours.  All the crusties over at Pic De Buggeroff will be getting their last nights kip before boarding the alien spacecraft, and in South America, a bunch of Mayans will be giggling themselves silly about a bunch of idiots getting ready for something which isn’t going to happen.

Elsewhere, the authorities will be on high alert waiting for people to commit suicide before the Earth begins to boil / falls into a black hole which a lot of very observant Astronomers have managed to miss / something else.  I say let them.

If people are that set on self destruction, experience tells me it is pointless to stand in their way.  They’ve had a good life, let ‘em go.

Update: Well it’s 10am PST and our side of the Sun is fairly quiet. A little froth around a bunch of sunspots. Local Earthquakes likewise. Tsunamis likewise. No incoming asteroids worthy of note. Crusties all going home (Still utterly convinced that what they did was ‘worthwhile’). Business as usual. Making Coffee.

The final countdown

Just glanced at the little countdown app I’ve got at the bottom of the blog page. According to the some sources, the Mayans, who ran out of stones or maybe even sacrificed the stonecarvers, whatever before they could cut the follow on pages, the world ‘ends’ in ten days from now. Ten days. That’s all you’ve got before we get hit by some planet no one can detect. Or a similarly undetectable black hole. Or wise Aliens coming to pick up all the crusties from a French Mountain. Which would be jolly nice of these alleged superintelligent Aliens. What they might do with said crusties hasn’t been mentioned. Open the airlocks half way to their mystical planet or something, perhaps. Just to do something about the smell.

Ten days. That’s it.

Bit of a pisser if you’ve ordered a big turkey to feed a houseful.